TOAST
by Jason Uzu
Summary: A middle aged couple, fight over the last piece of toast.


Written By: Jason Uzu 

TOAST

Morning, Breakfast

A long married couple, both still in sleep attire, sit at the dining room table awaiting impatiently for the very last piece of toast to pop from the toaster.

The gleam from the toasters polished chrome reflect in the eyes of the two spectators.

Jane, a rather large middle aged woman, sits in a crouched position at the right end of the table. Her thick glasses magnify her eyes ten fold, giving her a comical appearance.

Rob, a thin middle aged man, sits in a crouched position at the left end of the table. His thin and puckered face give the illusion of severe starvation.

A bead of sweat rolls down his face.

Janes magnified eyes dart from toaster, to Rob, and back again.

A silence encompasses the room, as the two sit in obsession,  
coiled, as if before a battle.

Finally Rob speaks, soft and subtle. Monotone; hushed.

ROB You don't really think I'm going to let you have this do you?

Rob speaks without moving, his eyes, glued to the toaster.  
His body is still; solid.

Jane too sits still as she speaks. Her body motionless, but tense.

JANE You don't really think I'm stupid enough to let you fool me do you?

ROB You had the last one, and the one before that.

JANE And you Rob, had the four before that. And before those four, the six prior.

A short silence falls between the two, neither moves, neither looks away from the toaster.

Their voices both, monotone; hushed.

ROB How would you remember? Who would remember something like that?

JANE A woman would remember Rob, women remember everything.

Jane awaits Rob's witty remark.

ROB Well Jane (Beat) an elephant never forgets.

Jane, a tad annoyed by the remark snaps back. Her eyes still immobile from the toaster.

JANE If your implying -Rob, that because of my weight, I resemble that of an elephant, then I'm afraid I might have to tell you..

Jane trails off

Another silence befalls the two as they stare at the unmoving toaster.

ROB Tell me what Jane? Don't wuss out now. Tell me what?

JANE To fuck off.

ROB Oh, you really hurt my feelings,  
I'm such a bastard.

JANE Well Rob, if you say so.

And again, we say hello to a short silence.

ROB Jane, lets play 'what if', you like that game right?

JANE I hate that game Rob.

ROB Which is all the more reason to play it Jane. I'm going to ask what if another person decided who gets this impending piece of toast.

JANE You mean, what if another person were to take this impending decision out of our hands?

ROB Precisely

JANE (beat) Well in that case, we would still be in the same situation you stupid idiot.

ROB No, no we wouldn't.

JANE And why, pray tell, is that my genius husband?

Robs voice grows a tad louder as he explains with emphasis,  
his theory.

ROB Why, it is because that person would look at our appearance, and clearly see by our genetic makeups who needs this piece of toast more.

Both Jane and Rob sit at the table. Jane's weight painfully obvious, while Rob struggles to fit into his pajamas.

Jane takes a deep breath, but still, doesn't move.

JANE Rob, I think for the fact that you haven't shaven since yesterday, has caused a rare case among the hair on your chin.

Rob thinks silently as to what Jane could be getting at.

ROB And what would that case be Jane?

JANE Simple Rob. The hair on your chin has obviously ingrown, straight back into that pea sized brain of yours.

Rob silently searches for a comeback, but falls short in the end.

ROB Your witless remarks Jane has made me feel disgusted at your existence.

JANE And your voice Rob, has made me want to kick you in front of a dump truck for the past twenty years.  
What is your point?

A click severs the argument as the two lean in toward the toaster.

It is now clear, that any second, the toast, which has been slowly baking to perfection, will eliminate the coiled tension that has begun between the two.

The toast pops from the toaster.

Rob flies from his chair, simultaneously kicking the dining room table over top of Jane.

Jane who had anticipated the move a few seconds earlier,  
rolls off her chair while sliding one foot underneath the other, in a (Jackie Chan) fashion.

Jane trips Rob

As Jane leaps towards the toaster, Rob grabs both of Janes legs as she steps over top of him.

As he raises, he lifts Jane for a short second or two over his head, then drops her backwards down his back.

As Rob reaches for the Toast, Jane, who has somehow landed on her hands, manages to spin around just in time.

On the floor, she grabs the toaster cord, still plugged to the wall.

Using it, she once again trips Rob.

As Rob falls, the toaster falls from the counter knocking both Husband and Wife unconscious.

As the two lay on the kitchen floor, sprawled out in their morning dress, a black cat strolls across the floor.

Sniffs the toast

And carries it off.

FADE TO BLACK


End file.
